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Patterns, Depression, Anxiety and Coping with Life

This blog is just a free following piece about my day and feelings. I am sure it will be riddled with a ton of grammar mistakes, but that is my natural state of being. I am completely imperfect.

I have a lot of catching up to do in my life, including this blog. I have been struggling a little bit with depression and anxiety. I get triggered a little easier these days.

I don’t know how to explain these triggers as I get older. My life has become too simple but all so complicated. I don’t have a passion for many things anymore. I don’t know if it’s depression or anxiety and being accustomed to the numbness, but it’s there. It hurts not to feel.

I do have issues with understanding emotions ever since I was a kid, so I learned to pick up patterns. If a,b,c happens, then d,e,f will follow. I have had a perfect system and could predict other’s emotions. My goal with this technique was to keep others calm and collected, so they do not become unpredictable.

I am at a point that I have no idea what system to use. So much has happened because I have predicted the outcome very wrong. I also have foresight but not for the little things. As some people get older, they pay attention to things at don’t matter and get angry if material items are not just right.

Why?

I try to open a conversation to understand what is going on.

Why does this matter?

For me, it is to understand the emotions behind the grievance so I may not do it again or can have that critical conversation to better the relationship.

I do come off as cold.

I am not cold. If I don’t understand, and if the willingness to not be open isn’t there, I freeze. I am frozen. I can’t have a conversation with someone who judges without justification or at least a little more insight into why they are the way. I don’t see the point of exposing myself to things that can hurt.

So, what about today. I am writing this freely in hopes to understand why I am so disconnected with everyone at the moment.

I can recognize this trend a little bit.

The past few months have been rough. I have been stalked, shamed, and dismissed.

These are real things, and I am trying to cope with the hurt.

How am I getting out of this cycle?

I am open to my thoughts and concerns. I meditate and breathe. I distract myself with life. Those in between moments of breathing do make me realize things aren’t so bad.

I am talking, despite having the lack and desire. I only hope that these pockets will open me to people, real emotions, and life again.

I pray.
I live.
I hope.
I do.
I am.

A Simple Exercise in Gratitude

I am no stranger to anxiety and depression. I have suffered from it for most of my life. Nowadays, I am a little open-minded to the possibility that I can change my mood or at least the view of my day by doing a simple exercise.

It seems that in today’s world, being negative is sort of taking over. There seems to be more and more things that are not acceptable, and there are other things that are acceptable but entirely unattainable for the average person. So, I hope this practice can help you and your outlook.

This exercise is designed to help you think more positively and hopefully be able to help you deal with the negative things a little bit better. It sounds easy, but can be challenging for those stuck in a depressed or anxious state.

You just start by creating a gratitude list each day.

Each day, write down the things that you appreciate in life. You may start off great, but you’ll have a day when nothing seems excellent. That’s where your mind is going to kick in and will help you find the appreciation of the smaller things.

An example for me would be the love of my family, the support of my friends, having a home, and the ability to eat good food. In a few days, it may be harder, so I have to start to look at my current surroundings like, my dog under my foot as I type or this warm cup of coffee that tastes amazing. By consistently practicing this, it helps make me feel good and helps to set up my day a little bit better.

Now you might think that sounds weird, especially if you are currently anxious or depressed, but that’s kind of how it works. I really have started to appreciate the tiny little things. It gives me a moment to get out of my head or opens me up to get help.

It does help me to think more positively and to really start appreciating everything in my life. When you are in a mood, the negative thoughts are a lot more powerful than positive ones. It’s so easy to think of something negative. This exercise, allows your mind to tell your brain, “Ok, you do not like it but, here at least there is something positive in the situation.” You want to keep trying to put these positive thoughts into your mind until they start to become second nature in your daily practice.

I wanted to share this little exercise because it seems to help me. It does take time and patience, but try not to be hard on yourself. Gratitude is something most of us don’t practice because we are stuck in the past or future of being without. This exercise allows me to pay attention to the moment and can help me change my thoughts. I hope it does the same for you.

What kind of practices do you do to help change your mood?

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Too Much Pride

It’s happening again,

my sense of pride is too high.

I don’t even know how to tell you a simple “why.”

I hold it inside hoping all my mediation will give me some light.

I do not cry.

Well, maybe in the middle of the night.

It’s happening again,

that secret wish that I would magically die.

I do not want it,

not death.

I just want relief from these thoughts in my head.

It’s happening again,

that fake smile and tone-deaf laugh

You do not want to know my feelings

You will have none of that

It’s better to acknowledge my muted eyes as real.

They are not bright.

It’s happening again,

my need for darkness.

You won’t understand.

You see it as a weakness.

It’s better to pretend that it’s just tiredness.

It’s not,

you can see it,

I am worthless.

It’s happening again. 

I am too quiet.

You don’t mind.

You don’t hear me anyway.

It’s better to think I am just busy.

I am not,

it’s a silent scream.

Please help me!

I have too much pride.

You’ll never know why.

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