Too Much Pride

It’s happening again,

my sense of pride is too high.

I don’t even know how to tell you a simple “why.”

I hold it inside hoping all my mediation will give me some light.

I do not cry.

Well, maybe in the middle of the night.

It’s happening again,

that secret wish that I would magically die.

I do not want it,

not death.

I just want relief from these thoughts in my head.

It’s happening again,

that fake smile and tone-deaf laugh

You do not want to know my feelings

You will have none of that

It’s better to acknowledge my muted eyes as real.

They are not bright.

It’s happening again,

my need for darkness.

You won’t understand.

You see it as a weakness.

It’s better to pretend that it’s just tiredness.

It’s not,

you can see it,

I am worthless.

It’s happening again. 

I am too quiet.

You don’t mind.

You don’t hear me anyway.

It’s better to think I am just busy.

I am not,

it’s a silent scream.

Please help me!

I have too much pride.

You’ll never know why.

#Depressionpoem #poetry #poet #depression #poetsofig #screenshot #firstdraft #poems #poet #depressed #depressioning #anxiety #depressionedits #mentalillness #fightingmentalillness #pathetic #loser #worthless #hopeless #ugly #freak #hurt #lost #suicidal #suicidalpoem #sucidalquotes #heartbroken #heartbreak #lonely #quotes

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10 Ways of Self-Love in 2019

I hope that 2018 was an excellent year for you but if it weren’t, a new year would be starting in a few days. I hope you are ready for 2019.

I have learned through my personal journey how vital self-love is to grow as a person. This is not natural for me, I have the tendency to blame myself for everything and take on damage because I deserve it. This year, I had to wake up and make an effort to love myself. It has been a journey and one that I still continue to do each day.

I thought it would be fun to share with you some ideas for 2019 shows you how to set up the new year to be more positive and kind to yourself.

Number One: Be Kind to Your Body

You can start by taking care of your body more than you have in the past. For example, adding in some nutrient-dense food into your diet. It will be an excellent gift for your mind and your body.

You can also be conscious of your movement to try to get some endorphins going. When you are doing activities that you like doing, like taking a walk in Central Park you are moving your body and getting fresh air. You’ll be surprised at how much better you feel not only about yourself but also in your outlook on life.

Number Two: Start a Journal

Journaling this is a great way to build a relationship with yourself. I personally started journaling about a year into my journey for self-love and for dealing with significant changes in my life.

I have been making it a habit of waking up in the morning and writing in my journal. Even if it’s a simple sentence or a picture of a squirrel, it something that has helped me to connect with myself and my surrounds.

Start implementing a journal in your daily life and you may find that you had the answer all along or will get the answer you needed upon reflecting from your writings. I see that by making an effort to pay attention to me, my mind can come up with fantastic ideas and advice.

Number Three: Declutter Social Media

How many people are you following that when they post something and makes you feel bad about yourself? Are you comparing your body or your state of mind to them?

Yes, they can be inspirational, but also there’s a fine line between inspirational and comparison. Go through your social media and if you’re following anybody that makes you feel any type of negative feelings towards yourself or others, just click the unfollow button. You don’t have to see that in your feed every day.

You can instead find other people on social media to follow who are more like you or seem to help you want to grow as a person. It’s a great way to start working on self-love.

Number Four: Removing Toxic People

This is something that I did over the past year or so. If you don’t know what a toxic people is, it’s basically someone who it sucks all of your energy when you are around them. They make you feel bad about yourself while at the same time trying to bring you up to fit their mold.

For example, you may have a friend, and they are always talking about themselves and what they’re dealing with in their lives. They don’t take a moment to acknowledge you to see how you’re doing or what you’ve been dealing with you your life. It can also be someone who makes you feel not that great when you are done interacting with them. This friend or person could be a toxic person to you.

If you have anybody like this in your life, it is okay, and not selfish to set limits or just eliminate the time that you spend with them. Sometimes this isn’t always possible, like a family member or coworker, so try to limit the amount of time and pay attention to the positive things in your surroundings.

Number Five: Accept It For What it Was

Forgetting about yesterday is such a massive thing for me. I am not saying to avoid it or pretend it didn’t happen. I am speaking to acknowledge it, learn from it and try to move on from it.

My past does not define my future. It doesn’t determine what I am doing right now, so I try not to identify how I am feeling right now. The actions that you take on a daily basis is the focus. Try to focus on what you can do right now to better your relationship with yourself.

One thing I do in the morning when I am journalling is coming up with an affirmation and intention for that day. Doing a morning affirmation and intention keeps me present. It guides me into thinking on what I can do now. During the day, I reminded myself of that affirmation by setting a unique ring on my phone. When I hear it, I am now conditioned to think about my affirmation, my intention and what I have accomplished for the day.

Six: Meditate and Breath

When I sit for a moment and think of nothing but my breath, I feel so empowered. When I do meditate, it reflects in my daily routine, it reveals how I feel when going through challenges and triumphs. It’s just a really great way to get yourself in a constructive mindset.

Meditation and breathing have really changed my life. When I first started meditating I had it in my head that I needed to like to sit with my legs crossed and have some incense burning. However, that is not the case, there is no wrong way to meditate, and it doesn’t have to be perfect. For example, if you are on the subway, meditate by finding a spot on the floor to stare at and just focus on breathing.

Whenever I’m feeling stressed, or I have anxiety building up, I will stop what I’m doing, and I’ll just breathe. My breathing helps me by bringing me back to my center. It’s a great way to kind of stay calm and helps me to avoid having anxiety attacks.

Number Seven: Acknowledge Your Emotions Without Judgement

Don’t want to ignore your emotions that you’re having at any moment. However, it would be nice to sit with them and still feel at peace. Basically, you’re telling yourself that it’s okay to have anxiety and to feel. You are acknowledging them. You want to be able to recognize those emotions so you can accept them as a part of you.

When you take out the judgment from your feelings, they become simple and easy to acknowledge. They are valid emotions. Acknowledging your feelings without judgment will help not to let them dictate your day or actions. I like to think of it as giving yourself a hug when you need it.

Number Eight: Better Sleep

Try to commit to better sleep. This one is especially important because when you get better sleep, your mood improves, your body is, and you can think clearer. When our energy level is better, you can feel like you are ready to take on the day.

I need seven hours of sleep. I know that some people say you should have at least eight. However, I think they need it different for everyone. So, figure out what works for you and then make sure that you’re getting it every night.

One tip that I try to practice every night is to put my phone down an hour before bedtime. There’s a blue light on your phone, and that blue light has been shown to increases your brain activity. It makes it harder for you to fall asleep. For the hour before bed, try to get your brain into a relaxation mode like reading a book or listening to soothing music.

Number Nine: Write a Happy List

Write out a list of everything that makes you happy or everything that you love. This can be petting your dog to going to Paris. Then figure out a way to implement them into your life. Doing at least one of these items once a week will allow you to take time for yourself to do the things that you love. This will boost your overall well-being.

Number Ten: Unplug

We’re seemed always to be doing something digital. It would be perfect to take one day a week or a few hours in a day to just stay offline. When you start the practice of unplugging, you may begin to focus on the now.

It’s helpful for me to spend some quality time with my reality and not focusing on what’s going on online. There’s a lot of negativity in the news and online that does affect my mood and overall well being. I find unplugging from social media allows me to have the space to think. It allows me to create and love myself and family even more. I now appreciate my time away from social media.

So, these are the ten things that I have started but will continue to do in 2019. It has been a journey for me and will continue to be.

Please remember that you can do what you like to help yourself to love yourself just little more. The point of self-love is to be self-acceptant. If you set yourself up with unrealistic goals. You will fail. Set goals that are obtainable and have focus. You may find that setting up new habits are actually a lot easier if you start by taking small steps to the larger goal.

I love to hear from you. What actions for you take to give yourself a little self-love each day? What are you planning for the new year?

#selflove #love #selfcare #motivation #loveyourself  #inspiration #like #fitness #art #follow #quotes #happy #newyear #goals #mentalhealth #beautiful #happiness #health #life #positivevibes #beauty  #myself  #me #healing #2019 

2019 – Ways to Make a Better Resolution

I am always trying to be hopeful when it comes to each new year. I strive for it to be better than the last. When you’re dealing with anxiety and depression, sometimes this can be clouded.

I don’t really believe in New Year’s resolutions, rather I think of the moment, and I ask myself this question: Did I actually make any dents positively in my life? I just don’t think of a New Year’s resolution as a one time deal, but rather an all-time agreement because I strive for improvement. 

It is essential for someone with any type of mental illness to have some kind of structure in their life. The goal should always involve trying to function at the highest capacity while remaining as independent as possible. Unfortunately, this may not be a straightforward task for some who are in the grasp of their illness. I like to think you have to start somewhere no matter where you are in your journey in life.

From my experience, small steps will lead to a bigger and better outcome in my life. I am not dwelling on the specifics of the larger goal but what steps I need to do to get to that place. Dealing with goals in this manner helps me make decisions on whether or not my actions are getting me to the target.

Here are some questions that I ask myself: What is it that I want to accomplish this day, this week, this month, this year? What can I do better? What didn’t work? Why? How can I improve it? What are some victories? Do I need to talk to someone because I feel stuck?

To prompt me to think about my life, I like to think first about what I can control, for example, my emotions. Though sometimes my anxiety can totally cloud my judgment and my trust in people can attract people with toxic personalities, there is a moment that I can recognize this behavior. To have an awareness of my emotional reaction to a scenario or person has taken a lot of work for me to be at this place, as I totally did not have the awareness when I started the journey into adulthood.

One of the most significant factors in this clouded haze was my need to stay with my routine. I needed the structure no matter the cost. I was very rigid. No one likes change, but we have to accept it, and it’s the way we move forward. With this reflection and stopping my need for a strict schedule to get through life, I started to open up to possibilities of new and better things happening for me.

I am totally not perfect and fall into the traps that I set up for myself. However, I become aware of this problem by simply making it my routine to be open and asking myself honest questions of what worked and didn’t work. Sometimes, I will not have the answer right away, but it does come to me. When that realization does make itself known, it does change my views and therefore my behavior. We don’t have to feel stuck since we can drive the direction we want to go in. It just takes some work.

When we let negative thoughts override the way we look at the world, it can be very frustrating. Sometimes all the professional help and medication that are available cannot help us unless we are willing to help ourselves. I genuinely believe this statement. I try to practice this belief in my daily routine. If I want to have a different perception of life, I need to change the way I think. We all have the capability of doing it.

There are going to be good days and bad days that is just inevitable. However, I have the habit of planning each day with a general question or intention, like “What do I need to do to have a good day? I intend to have a good day, no matter what barriers (of x,y,z). I am going to get through them with a positive attitude and strive to understand what did and didn’t work.”

So, with all of this written out, the point of the yearly resolutions isn’t to have a one-time annual quest. To have a goal doesn’t sound like a wrong way to start off January 1, 2019, it is just the matter of making for a plan behind it to keep yourself accountable and flexible to change throughout the year. This article is just a suggestion on what works for me, but you’ll find coping methods that work best for you if you genuinely want to change.

CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) has helped me tremendously to get to this place of concentrating on one item at a time. This has made a considerable difference in my self-confidence. My anxiety and depression seem to be less episodic than in the past. I learned that my goals should be realistic to me and my lifestyle. Setting up goals that fit me rather than what society expects, does allow me to have the freedom to change.

Whatever your plans are for 2019, I hope it is a healthy and honest intention. You deserve it! You have already worked hard to get where you are today.

#cbt #2019 #NewYearsResolutions #MentalIllness #Howto

Holiday Blues or Mistreated Illness? It’s never too late to get help.

Holidays have always been important in my family, especially Christmas. It was the one time of year that everyone around me just seemed to be in a better mood, and though there were little pieces of mood shifts, my anxiety and depression were always more at ease during this time. I love my family. I love the peace that that holidays brought to my family.

However, as I got older and my family got smaller because of death, disconnects or busy schedules and as I result, my mood became lower, and soon, I was not involved in any holiday festivities. I saw no point in celebrating when no one seemed to be into it. I certainly wasn’t.

My spirit died. 

I felt more stressed around the holidays, and instead of looking forward to them, I would anticipate the end of the season. I just wanted to go away and wait it out, be alone in isolation. I put my feelings on others because I couldn’t deal with myself. There was a point in my life that I wanted to divorce myself and not exist.

Deep down, I knew this wasn’t me. I knew I still loved the holidays, but I abstained from celebrating. I couldn’t let myself enjoy the holidays if other people were not happy. I even have my brothers and sisters that celebrate the holidays every year. I could have easily been with them. I just convinced myself that I did not need them and they did not require me to be there. Plus, at some point, during the years, I would have put a damper on to their celebration. I was incomplete with a void that could never be filled. How could a problem like this even be fixed?

I tied for years to “fixed” the problem on my own, but I only made it worse. The best advise I gave myself was to hide away until it was all over. This action was not making me happy. It was making me unstable. I was dying.

So, how did I get out of this dark hidden place?

The answer: I told someone. At first, I got the classic, “well that is silly” and felt invalidated. My mind was too sad to see any humor in their jokes or words of encouragement. I had a real problem going on in my head that didn’t make much sense to why it was an issue. I just wanted to it to go away before I took myself away from the problem a/k/a die.

Determined and finally acknowledging that I could not solve this problem myself, I opened up to others…anyone at one point. I finally found someone who gave me some kind of direction and that direction was to a therapist.

So, I went to therapy. Although, I realized that even with the acknowledgment of my problems, I would need to do my part to make things better. I could either choose to be miserable or start enjoying the simple things. I had to make peace with the guilt I felt for vanishing for so many years. I began to follow CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy), and I was put on anti-anxiety medications.

WIth opening up to my family (how awkward as it felt), following through with therapy, and understanding why I am anxious or get very depressed, I starting to see sparkles of light. I was not ready for the holidays during my first year of therapy, but I made sure to text everyone. Then I got the courage to call a few years later, and now I am finally starting to show up to actual holiday celebrations.

I count my blessings as I remember past memories, old traditions , and now the continuation of developing new positive moments. As I write this, I am listening to Christmas music that gets into my soul, which for the longest time I felt was dead. I started moving forward that year that I asked for help. It was those simple things I thought were lost that began to resurface. I had to acknowledge the new meaning, and I was fortunate enough to realize it before the darkness entirely consumed me. I thank my friend for starting this new chapter.

I will still get depressed, and I know I will get anxious for no reason except that my brain is inclined to do so…but I can manage it. I have my plans to get me through the storms.

Just like the saying goes, sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. For me, turning the negative thoughts into positive or matter of fact type thoughts (thank you CBT) proved to be successful. Now, I can appreciate the holiday season.

I know this is short and there is a lot of backstories to why I am this way, but the point of this short piece is to start somewhere and to not give up. You are your life, and your life is significant, even if it does not feel that way. It is…someone one out there is looking to you. It could be a neighbor, your family, the postman or even yourself. The vital first step is to realize that you have a problem and to express it before it gets any worse. There are many reasons why so many people get depressed or even worse commit suicide. It doesn’t have to be this way.

Here are some numbers if you are in a place that you need help but have nowhere to go:

If you’re struggling, take the time you need today for self-care and reach out to someone you trust. If you know someone who is struggling, reach out to them, get help. I am glad that I did. I would not be where I am today if I didn’t reach out for help.

Thank you.

#holidaydepression #suicide #gethelp #anxiety #depression #holidayblue #mentalillness