This blog is just a free following piece about my day and feelings. I am sure it will be riddled with a ton of grammar mistakes, but that is my natural state of being. I am completely imperfect.
I have a lot of catching up to do in my life, including this blog. I have been struggling a little bit with depression and anxiety. I get triggered a little easier these days.
I don’t know how to explain these triggers as I get older. My life has become too simple but all so complicated. I don’t have a passion for many things anymore. I don’t know if it’s depression or anxiety and being accustomed to the numbness, but it’s there. It hurts not to feel.
I do have issues with understanding emotions ever since I was a kid, so I learned to pick up patterns. If a,b,c happens, then d,e,f will follow. I have had a perfect system and could predict other’s emotions. My goal with this technique was to keep others calm and collected, so they do not become unpredictable.
I am at a point that I have no idea what system to use. So much has happened because I have predicted the outcome very wrong. I also have foresight but not for the little things. As some people get older, they pay attention to things at don’t matter and get angry if material items are not just right.
I try to open a conversation to understand what is going on.
Why does this matter?
For me, it is to understand the emotions behind the grievance so I may not do it again or can have that critical conversation to better the relationship.
I do come off as cold.
I am not cold. If I don’t understand, and if the willingness to not be open isn’t there, I freeze. I am frozen. I can’t have a conversation with someone who judges without justification or at least a little more insight into why they are the way. I don’t see the point of exposing myself to things that can hurt.
So, what about today. I am writing this freely in hopes to understand why I am so disconnected with everyone at the moment.
I can recognize this trend a little bit.
The past few months have been rough. I have been stalked, shamed, and dismissed.
These are real things, and I am trying to cope with the hurt.
How am I getting out of this cycle?
I am open to my thoughts and concerns. I meditate and breathe. I distract myself with life. Those in between moments of breathing do make me realize things aren’t so bad.
I am talking, despite having the lack and desire. I only hope that these pockets will open me to people, real emotions, and life again.